As Scotland enters a new generation of austerity, it looks like the Borders will be the first region to feel the pinch. A Scottish Government desk-based analysis has concluded that only one Scottish Borders town can continue to be financed and the others will have to be scrapped, cleared and auctioned off to Qatar businessmen for leisure pursuits.
Hawick, Melrose, Kelso, Jedburgh and Galashiels will all be vying for survivor status and will enter a series of selection exercises to prove their worth. Should it proven that negligible value can be found in any single town, then a wholesale purchasing offer will be made to the English to shift the country’s border up a bit.
The first elimination round will see an extended version of Jedburgh Hand Ba’ – a tradition (previously undertaken with an Englishman’s head) whereby locals separate into two groups and spend hours trying to keep a hold of a ball with ribbons on. This will be expanded upon by having a game across the whole Borders region, with one ball, the winner being whichever town’s resident has possession of the ball after 72 hours of play. Significant carnage is expected and further rounds of elimination will be decided upon should there be sufficient survivors.