Scotch and Proud


No more fags

Having triumphed in turning the nation into health-crazed bionic beings by banning smoking in pubs, the Scottish Government have announced radical plans which will identify smokers as pariahs that should be mocked and ostracised, in a similar fashion to the olden-day homosexual. Whilst other nations debate packaging cigarettes in blank packs to avoid the allure of big brand advertising, Scotland will re-name cigarettes “Gaylord lollipops.”


Extensive research has shown that there will be a general reluctance amongst buyers to request such a product and on balance the health savings will trump the minor upset and offence that could be caused to some members of society.


The Health Minister took personal responsibility for the naming, having come across the phrase whist out walking his dog.


Scotch cigarettes