Scotch and Proud


Where to get your shit beaten in

A new 12-month study by Police Scotland has shown unexpected variances in what parts of the country glory in which particular crimes. In conjunction with Visit Scotland, the map will be distributed at all airports to manage the expectations of holidaymakers and to allow them to arm themselves appropriately, dependent on their destination.


As expected, Glasgow tops the list of where one can most likely expect to receive a smack in the knackers, whilst Edinburgh tops the table of cities with the greatest prevalence of "lewd and libidinous practices." Indecent exposure was again this year's crime of choice in Dundee and Aberdeen continued it’s decade-long dominance in the area of "immoral traffic." Police Scotland were at pains to stress that this was unrelated to the farcical numbers of roundabouts on the periphery of the city.


This publication is not the place to point the finger at those areas most likely to be engaged in sexual practices with animals, though viewers of the map may be surprised that this is now the number one crime in over 17% of Scottish regions.


Police Scotland have already been criticised that the production of this map may lead to an increasing number of "fucking weird tourists" that may choose to visit areas, to have inflicted upon them the crime of their choosing. They have chosen not to respond to this criticism until further research clarifies whether this is true.


Scotch map final