Scotch and Proud


Irn-Bru enema is "guaranteed" hangover cure

With Hogmanay upon us, the usual insufficient hangover cures are being widely promoted as the answer to the nation's New Year's Day woes. According to Scottish boffins though, the answer could now be upon us. After a decade-long trial, medical students at Edinburgh University declare that their "ultimate hangover cure" is now at market and available to all. Such is the confidence of those that have tested it that they have invested in a Morningside spa to administer their cure.


Château de la Touche are now taking bookings for Irn-Bru enemas, with the first one set to be administered on 1st January. The lucky recipient of the first treatment has requested anonymity, though the spa have admitted that they have given Jim Murphy first refusal, in light of his clear fondness for the orange nectar. Unlike many of the hangover cures on the market, the basis of the Irn-Bru enema lies firmly in medical fact. Complete hydration can only truly be achieved rectally and this major factor in hangovers will be relieved almost immediately upon completion of the procedure. Excess stomach acid will also be neutralised upon entry and a fermentation process will be triggered, creating digestive probiotics which will help replace lost electrolytes. The added value of anal stimulation should also not be underestimated.


Augustus Rimmer, Professor of Psychopharmacology at Harvard University, conceded that he himself had dallied with variances of the Irn-Bru enema with consistent success in reducing the pain of hangovers. So much so that he now incorporates the cure into a key part of the night before as an added precaution. He was however at pains to stress that "under no circumstances should you self administer."


Despite such warnings being highlighted, Scotland has seen worryingly high December sales of funnels, hosepipes and Irn-Bru and NHS 24 have already shared concern over what may face them in A & E wards on New Year's Day.


Regardless of whether you choose to shoveI Irn-Bru up your arse or not, we would like to wish you a very Happy New Year.


scotch ene