Scotch and Proud


Collins set to dominate Premier League

John Collins has announced that he will come out of retirement to ensure that Celtic don’t again fuck up their European campaign. Collins (Celtic's current assistant manager and ex-Monaco sophisticate) despaired at the 6-1 aggregate mauling by Legia Warsaw and insisted that he was in fine shape to help turn around Celtic's season (before it had begun). Though now 46, his daily regime of 2,000 sit-ups and 1,000 press ups has ensured that he is still fitter than the whole of Scottish football put together.


Collins is said to be undecided as to whether to just play in the next European tie against Maribor, help deliver victory and then retire OR to continue to play for the rest of the season, take the armband from Scott Brown and lead the club to the domestic treble. Scott Brown commented, "I genuinely couldn't give a shit what he does and if it saves me playing against Haribo then that's a night off for me."


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