Scotch and Proud


Salmond secures chip ban

The word "legacy" has been overused in recent years but no-one can argue that this is the only word to describe the latest victory of Alex Salmond. Though no longer First Minister, Mr. Salmond has finally pushed through his long-coveted policy on chip sales in Scotland. Gone will be the days of wanton chip consumption as the new law prevents any chip shop in Scotland from selling chips before the hour of midday.


This controversial ruling has been years in the making and the original proposal from the SNP was to limit sales to after 2pm, thus preventing schoolchildren loading up on lard for lunch. Numerous scientific and educational specialists backed this proposal, citing the benefits of afternoon learning without the reek of chip fat. After a 7-year consultation process (the longest and most expensive in Scotland's history) this 2pm curfew was brought forward to midday after continued protest from Scotland's Italian and potato contingent. Though this will now in no way prevent school kids from eating chips for lunch, Mr Salmond did not concede that his Bill had been weakened. "We serve chips for school dinners anyway so that is irrelevant. This was always about eliminating chip gluttony between the hours of 10am and midday and Salmond's Law will now successfully prevent this."


"My only regret is that I was not in power when this change was introduced. Hopefully though, one day in the future, when not an ounce of lard appears on the body of our childrens' children, this step will be recognised as a defining moment in Scotland's history. Ask not salt or sauce, nor salt and vinegar, ask instead for opportunity and enlightenment."


The ex-First Minister did continue but unfortunately interest was distracted elsewhere.