David Cameron (Prime Minister and that) has confounded speculation that Scotland's new post-referendum powers will be as weak as piss, by announcing plans to give Scots the power to bend time. The ability to alter the space-time continuum will come as a welcome boost to a country currently down in the dumps about independence and will also no doubt aid the country's favoured pastime of solemn reflection.
Though it's thought that initially the new powers will simply be used to delay last orders on a night out, there are long-term ramifications once someone sees past the alcohol-related benefits.
Experts will continue to debate whether the rights to space/time manipulation are the Prime Minister's to give, however Mr Cameron cited the recent example of fracking rights to demonstrate that the Establishment could simply do what they fucking like, as God's official custodian of Planet Earth. Meanwhile, moving through time, slowing down, reversing and/or stopping time will all become available options for those Scottish residents that opted to vote No in the recent referendum. "You will appreciate the risk to the Union if we were to give the Yes voters any additional powers to those that they have already been generously provided with," Mr Cameron commented.
The first poll to assess residents' attitudes to the new powers, has provided the following insight:-
• 84% of Scots will opt to freeze time indefinitely and go to sleep for an extended period of reflection.
• 67% would visit the Scotland of 1965 to experience the swinging sixties, the liberation of the masses and to fully enjoy the period before England had won a World Cup.
• 16% would opt to carry on as is, choosing not to utilise this power of time manipulation that has previously only been dreamt of.