Scotch and Proud

 

One Direction appalled by

Scottish fans

In an act of foul-mouthed lunacy that will break the hearts of many adoring fans, One Direction have heavily criticised their Scottish fanbase and slated the looks (and girth) of the many thousands of female followers from Caledonia. Displaying a distinct lack of festive cheer, LiamOneDirection has vowed that the band will never again play in Scotland and described their fans north of the border as "fat, ugly and lacking in rudimentary manners and morals." HarryOneDirection then interrupted to clarify that "they also buy the least merchandise per capita in all of the wide world. "

 

Nicola Sturgeon (First Minister of Scotland and that) has taken no time to refer this bigoted outburst to the European Commission, stating that  "there is absolutely no evidence of a lack of moral fortitude amongst today's young Scottish females." Research conducted by Scotch and Proud has supported Ms. Sturgeon's claim, with the ginger cartoon bird off of Brave being cited as the most obvious example.

 

The music industry is in shock following One Direction's hideous outburst and insiders have since suggested that this controversy is a calculated attempt to ease the transition of the lads from teeny pop group to serious adult contemporary musicians (with an edge). Leaked files from the group's management have suggested the January will see  NiallOneDirection slag off the Welsh, February will see ZahnOneDirection ignite the ire of the Irish and March will see HarryOneDirection lay bare his distaste of the Islamic State.

 

Scotch and Proud wait in anticipation at the consequences.

 

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