Scotch and Proud


Rangers to only feed players spuds to save on costs

Reduced wages, revolting fans, cancelled Christmas nights out and managerial mayhem are just some of the turmoil endured by Rangers players over the last 24 months. However, things are set to get a whole lot worse with the new announcement that the catering budget at the Murray Park training ground is to be slashed.


Health-obsessed players used to delight in regular superfood platters of Gogi berries, pine nuts, kale and the like, leading to the players earning a reputation as the most elite athletes in European football.


However, a recent cost-benefit exercise has concluded that such on-going costs cannot be justified, with the identification of lower cost ingredients to act as alternatives. Key to this new diet will be the modern-day potato. High in potato and low in cost, this new strategy will allow players to remain full, whilst keeping control of the costs. It remains unclear whether the potatoes will be boiled, mashed, fried or roasted, though initial soundings from Ibrox would appear to suggest a favouring for chips.


Ian Black, midfield maestro within the dominant first division outfit has met the news of increased potato consumption with typical gusto. “Fucking yes” was the unequivocal response when asked if he was happy to forego the previous menu items. Black’s commitment to the cause continues to be unquestionable.