Scotch and Proud


Pretty Shitty River City

In a scandal set to rock the entertainment industry in Scotland, production staff from River City have been accused of keeping junior cast members in chains, physically assaulting actors that fluffed their lines and actually charging actors to appear in the much-lauded thespian series.


River City actress Holly Jack (who plays Scottish person Nicole Brodie in the cult classic) has exposed the depravity and abuse that cast members have been putting up with for years. It seems that fact is even stranger than fiction in this case, which is going some considering the pish that the programme regularly serves up. Shieldinch seems tame by comparison with the truth of what's been occuring.


The multi-Bafta award winning melodrama has long been shrouded in accusations of bullying amongst staff but this latest scandal may all but put pay to any future series. Ms. Jack weeped whilst admitting "we were all so desperate to make our names in the show that we didn’t even question what was going on. It was not uncommon to be locked in cupboards and to be beaten with baguettes if anyone complained. The production staff were always careful not to mark our faces, except in the case of Stephen Purdon and Tom Urie where any injury would have been an improvement. I may never recover."


Senior management at the BBC have so far failed to comment but a production staff member did not appear to have much remorse whilst commenting, "they're a shower of shite that are very lucky to be anywhere near a TV. Apart from Johnny Beattie of course."


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