Double click to insert body text here...
The respected historian David Starkey CBE has cast ridicule on Scotland's patron saint, declaring him "a feral delinquent, fuelled by tonic wine." Starkey is noted for his lack of research and fraudulent claims but in this case claims that he is "100% sure that Andrew the Apostle was a massive ned." He did concede though that after some years of savagery, it seems he become quite the reader and turned his back on a life of delinquency.
The pig-faced history bufftie did note other positives and after retrieving some primitive sketches (example on left) christened the Apostle as "the earliest example of the hipster". With one in three Scots men now sporting dubious beards, the debt owed to Saint Andrew would seem to have never been greater.
In fairness though, in the olden days they didn’t have razors. These bearded fuckwits today have no excuse.
In light of his mis-spent youth, Stewart Hosie MSP (Deputy Leader of Scotland or something) has immediately announced that Andrew will be stripped of his connection with Scotland. He will remain patron saint of Barbados, Romania, Russia, Ukraine, and the Ecumenical Patriarchate of Constantinople. So he probably won't be that fussed.
The standing of Robert Burns in Scottish society will remain unaltered.