It’s news that has sent shockwaves across the Promised Land, with many still numb in disbelief. Now exposed as Alexandra Salmond, born a girl in the Kentish town of Tunbridge Wells, the Leader of the Nation has been outed as a genuine English person, rather than the over-nourished, Sasanach-bashing, cartoon patriot that we all knew.
Salmond’s common insistence on tartan troosers, lard for lunch and a chip for the shoulder had him labelled firmly as an archetypical Scot but it seems that this was a desperate act from a man driven by self-loathing and a craving for power.
Mr. Salmond has so far refused to comment on the story, which is commonly the response of a very guilty English person. It is unclear of the effect that the news will have on the Independence debate, though it is thought unlikely that the first Prime Minister of Scotland will be an English.
One positive to remain from this story is that no-one seems to give a shit that he used to be a woman, proving Scotland to be a 21st Century society, capable of acceptance of nearly all diversities.